Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Drifting on a Sea of Disconsolation

Seriously, I'm out of control. It's kind of my favorite explanation for my life right now. "Get out of the way, everybody! Don't act like you weren't warned! I am not completely in control of my own actions at the moment! Steer clear and maybe nobody will get hurt but me!"

I was laid off almost a month ago, and I've had this awful cold ever since, clinging to me for dear life, making it impossible to complete the mountain of tasks that would move me closer to a sense of normalcy. Add to that my shaken confidence (which I'm told is unfair of me because the lay-off was due to a 'reduction in the force' and I wasn't the only one), and you have me stuck in a classic perfectionist loop, never quite moving forward because I can't figure out how to do all of it perfectly the first time. It's a recipe for disaster.

As long as I'm whining, actually, I should note that I'm about to start an arduous diet and Lyme treatment regiment that includes giving up gluten, dairy, alcohol, and sugar, only to replace them with a disgusting herb cocktail twice a day. Not the fun kind of cocktail. Refer back to the giving up alcohol bit.

So I'm moody, I'm a little depressed, but most of all, I've been moody and depressed just long enough that the novelty (if there ever was any) has really, REALLY worn off. I'm a little sick of myself, so I can only imagine how those around me feel. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning, feel normal, and actually get through a to-do list without turning on myself about a dozen times.

I'm sorry this blog isn't more cheery. It's one of those "weather the storm" type moments in my life, and I'm afraid my weathering has been reduced to the behavior of that one character in the horror movie who sees the big bad coming at them and becomes paralyzed, thus rendering him a danger to himself and the rest of the group. I'm really, really trying hard to stop being paralyzed. Seriously, am I moving yet? about now?

Unrelated note: Some sort of prize should go to any commenter who manages to surpass me in the use of "Seriously" and "really, really." Paralyzed me sure sounds a lot like 14-year-old me.

Another somewhat related note: The title of this post could have been written by 14-year-old me too, but its melodramatic goofiness soothes my soul, so it stays. Nah nah.


  1. Girly girl! You are an amazing, beautiful, and smart woman and it hurts me to hear you are so down on yourself. If you're ever in question, know that I think the work of ya! If you ever need someone to be sulky with let me know we can go see a chick flick or something! Love you!!!

    Jenny. (notice the y). Hehe

  2. The nice part about drifting on a sea of disconsolation is that it's kind of like taking a cruise. A cruise in which everyone gets sick with the flu and the toilets back up and the Coast Guard has to come in and quarantine the passengers. But still, a cruise! And in this economy!

    Hope you're staying afloat.



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