Drifting on a Sea of Disconsolation

Seriously, I'm out of control. It's kind of my favorite explanation for my life right now. "Get out of the way, everybody! Don't act like you weren't warned! I am not completely in control of my own actions at the moment! Steer clear and maybe nobody will get hurt but me!"

I was laid off almost a month ago, and I've had this awful cold ever since, clinging to me for dear life, making it impossible to complete the mountain of tasks that would move me closer to a sense of normalcy. Add to that my shaken confidence (which I'm told is unfair of me because the lay-off was due to a 'reduction in the force' and I wasn't the only one), and you have me stuck in a classic perfectionist loop, never quite moving forward because I can't figure out how to do all of it perfectly the first time. It's a recipe for disaster.

As long as I'm whining, actually, I should note that I'm about to start an arduous diet and Lyme treatment regiment that includes giving up gluten, dairy, alcohol, and sugar, only to replace them with a disgusting herb cocktail twice a day. Not the fun kind of cocktail. Refer back to the giving up alcohol bit.

So I'm moody, I'm a little depressed, but most of all, I've been moody and depressed just long enough that the novelty (if there ever was any) has really, REALLY worn off. I'm a little sick of myself, so I can only imagine how those around me feel. I just want to be able to wake up in the morning, feel normal, and actually get through a to-do list without turning on myself about a dozen times.

I'm sorry this blog isn't more cheery. It's one of those "weather the storm" type moments in my life, and I'm afraid my weathering has been reduced to the behavior of that one character in the horror movie who sees the big bad coming at them and becomes paralyzed, thus rendering him a danger to himself and the rest of the group. I'm really, really trying hard to stop being paralyzed. Seriously, am I moving yet?

...how about now?

Unrelated note: Some sort of prize should go to any commenter who manages to surpass me in the use of "Seriously" and "really, really." Paralyzed me sure sounds a lot like 14-year-old me.

Another somewhat related note: The title of this post could have been written by 14-year-old me too, but its melodramatic goofiness soothes my soul, so it stays. Nah nah.

On a dark and stormy night...

The east coast is NUTS tonight.  Seriously, not to talk about the weather, but what's up with the weather?! Earthquake, hurricane, floods... if Godzilla rose out of the Potomac and started bashing monuments, I don't think I'd even bat an eyelash.

I swear I thought of this joke before I found this picture.

This is going to sound trivial in the face of natural disasters, but that's only because it is, so if you're someone who takes offense to people being anything less than super serious at all times, you are really on the wrong blog.  Shoo. Away with you. We'll all wait.

Right, so I wore my new shoes to work today.  Obviously I don't check the weather (my sister, the meteorology grad student, would truly be shocked). So when it came time to leave work, I didn't want to get my new shoes wet (calf-hair leopard-print flats-- noooot exactly rain boots).  So, I took them off when I got far enough away from the important offices, and made a run for my car, barefoot.  Apparently my running barefoot in the rain skills are way out of practice, because I fell HARD CORE, scraped both my knees and my elbows, got completely soaked in the couple inches of rain that were forming a river in the parking lot... it was very embarrassing for all involved (me). It was also rather painful. So, wah wah wah, I fell and got some boo boos, but it was kind of hilarious from a bird's eye view and I'm almost sorry from a comedic standpoint that nobody saw it.  I mean, I scraped my knees, and I didn't even make someone else feel more graceful? Lame.

But that's not the point of this blog post!  I feel the need to start a bit of a new chapter.  I may redesign the blog, I may move it to wordpress, and I may even rename it.  I'll keep y'all in the loop if I do decide to do all this, but I was reminded today by one of my favorite local bloggers how enriching blogging can be, and how much I miss it. I barely even write these days when it's not required for work, and I wonder if that's part of the funk I've been in off and on over the course of the summer.

I've found a new doctor (more on that later), am relatively settled in at my job, and am super happy with my awesome boyfriend, but I still feel like a lot is missing.  Like, hobbies, for one thing.  I've had so much going on that I feel like, just when I was starting to figure out what my hobbies were (it's always been a weird question for me), I abandoned the search. I've been less vigilant about editing my life, filling it with the things that bring me joy and push me forward, and leaving the margins to enjoy the moment and roll with the punches.

So I'm working on those things again.  I reconnected with some old friends, am looking for a spiritual outlet that fits me, am considering finding an affordable yoga class in the area. Maybe most significantly (time will tell), I signed up for some Stratejoy "Joy Juice" journal prompts and have started, albeit rather feebly, to work through them and ask myself those hard questions again. Self examination, in my personal experience, is never a bad thing, and I'm hoping to make some discoveries that will enrich my life as well as the lives around me!

What changes are you making in your life recently?  

What are the things you do that make you feel  like the best possible you?

The Quickest Update I Can Muster

I seriously miss talking to other chronics lately.  Unfortunately it's not always for great reasons-- I've been feeling extra whiny lately, and now that I'm a sick person in a well person's world (as opposed to being a sick person in my own, private, sick-person world), it's sometimes even harder to explain that I don't feel well. Or just plain inappropriate.  If I miss a day of work, it's kind of frowned upon to explain to coworkers how heroic it is that I'm here today. Everyone who needs to know, knows, and I sort of need to get my act together in order to be as healthy as I can be!

So, brief recap of the last several months:

January
Graduated from college!  SUPER happy!  Began job hunt. Had a terrible interviews, had some good interviews.
February
Had a couple of great interviews and, voila, a job offer!  More super happy.  And gratitude like crazy because, really, I expected to be looking for much, much longer, and it's great work.
March
Began job, began apartment-hunting, met lots of crazy potential roommates and finally found completely sane apartment-mate about a mile away from boyfriend.  All good things... but all kind of stressful things too!
April
March finally catches up with me, and I get sick a good bit.  I end up in the hospital with colitis, I go off my antibiotics, and I start looking for a new doctor.  My body is not so good with the difference between good stress and bad stress-- hey body, don't you know we're happy?  Dumb.
May
More of that, and now I'm looking for a doctor like crazy.  Still happy at the job, but also scared of losing the job.  Determined to get a hold of this illness before it gets a hold of me.  Reading The Happiness Project and am convinced that I too can get my life under control with some planning, introspection, and elbow grease.

Which brings me to now, and brings me to maybe posting more or maybe starting a new blog.  Something's got to give, and it's not just my health issues.  I feel a need to sculpt my life a lot more purposefully now that I finally have that power back.


How do you enjoy your life more?

The One Where my Brain Betrays Me... Again

This is one of many reasons why giraffes ROCK.

I'm procrastinating right now.  You see, I have some very important papers to write.  The final two papers of my college career, in fact.  And even though I was burnt out on English literature before this semester even started, I have to get through these two last papers.  And then two last exams.  And then I bother both colleges' registrar offices one last time to transfer my grades and BOOM.  Diploma.  Natch.

But I just can't make it happen.  I keep staring at the page, hoping that something will come to me, and nothing does.  Or, something does, but halfway through my thought I start to lose it again...

It doesn't help that stress makes my Lyme flare up, so I've been feeling like crap for the last two weeks.  Which has made me miss work and fall behind in schoolwork.  Which makes me more stressed.  You see what I'm getting at here.

It also doesn't help that when my Lyme flares, mental symptoms like brain fog and forgetting words kick in.  So I'm so close to an idea or a thesis statement but I Just. Can't. Get. The. Words. Out.

But it's more than that, really.  That's a huge part of the puzzle, and it's not making things any easier, but a lot of this is psychological.  You see, I failed not one, but two semesters in a row in 2008.  And that's after leaving early in the Fall of 2007 and not finishing my coursework til March.  So the end of the semester is a particularly stressful time for me, in large part because all of the signals tell my brain we're about to hear terrible news and disappoint our family and ourself and have to go live at home and be depressed and no one will love us because we can't succeed and that's unacceptable.  The pathways of stress for this time of year are so well-carved in my brain that it takes most of the willpower I have (and it's not as much as I wish it were) just to keep from curling into a little ball and sleeping until January.  A January in which I would have no diploma and be in debt, but would have been able to avoid the stress that my brain thinks will absolutely destroy me if I continue feeling it.

Cool stripe tights.  Imma google them.
...Then I'll TOTALLY get shit done.  Swearsies.

It's illogical, of course, but I'm really not sure why I keep getting mad at myself for that.  People are illogical.  And it's not always bad.  Pure logic can have devastating consequences, and there are things that, if they could be explained better, might not be as magical or thrilling... Like love.  Or the universe.  Or God.  Or beauty.  But I do get bad when I'm illogical, because I know I can't trust my emotions all the time, and I want to be able to trust some line of reasoning all the time.  I want an overarching law, something to hold everything else against in order to judge its verity or value.  I want a constant.  More on that later though.  Not this post.

Anyway, these damaged neural pathways are making me do all kinds of crazy things.  For instance, on Wednesday I had my last classes.  At the very end of the last one, this happened:

Professor: ...and that about wraps it up.  Hope you guys have had a good semester!  See you at the final!  Oh, and Robyn, would you stay after please?

Me [outwardly nodding]: Oh dear sweet baby Jesus I won't survive this day.


People begin to shuffle past me, getting in line to talk to the professor about the final.  I do not get in line in case it's bad; if I'm failing, I certainly don't want these nincompoops to know about it.  I wait for what couldn't have been more than ten minutes, but FEELS like an entire class period.  I am in limbo, and there is no time.

Me [thinking]: Okay, you can't be failing.  Most of the grades are the paper and the final.  You've done well on the brief essays.  You've attended most classes.  Ohmigosh.  MOST. What if she has a super secret attendance policy?? What if it's like, you miss 4 classes, you pass, you miss five, YA FIRED.  Oh my gosh what if she chastises me.  What if she tells me I'm not fit to be in school.  "School is for sick people."  Maybe that other professor bitch was right.  Oh dear goodness gracious it is medically impossible that I will survive the next five minutes.  Also?  That could totally be my way out.  Can't fail dead people, bitch.  Owned.


Professor: Oh, right, Robyn!  So we decided you would attend the final an hour late, right?  Since you have another one that morning?

Me [dazed by the rapidness of the clouds lifting and blinded by the sunlight now pouring into my life]: Ye-YES.  YES WE MOST CERTAINLY DID. GOOD DAY MA'AM.  HAVE A LOVELY HOLIDAY!

Believe it or not, it actually felt much more dramatic than that at the time.  Swear to whatever will convince you I'm not joshin' you.

And now I'm going to end with a cartoon from Hyperbole and a Half because she has perfectly illustrated my paranoia.  The rest of the post is awesome too and I highly recommend it.  I have a creepy and unhealthy love for this woman I've never met.  I'd like to say that's unusual for me.  I'd really like to say that.

OHMIGOSH JUST LOOKING AT THIS MAKES ME ANXIOUS!
Link to post- http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/03/procrastinator.html

Oh, also?  Come back later when I reveal the sorts of craziness I've been wreaking on my relationships.  Because obviously it's better to destroy EVERYTHING and at least be thorough.  Right?  ...right?

First two images from weheartit.com. Last image from Hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com.

Merry Christmas

It's a little early, but I got you guys a present:

He so loves his life right now.

And don't worry.  I'm sure there will be many, MANY more pictures of me torturing dressing up my cats in cool, new outfits that they totally love.  You're welcome, internet.

Phoning it in...

This doesn't count as a real post, y'all, but I have to leave for work and wanted to share this:

http://xkcd.com/828/

Enjoy!

Notice me (notice me), Notice me! (notice me)

This song has been making me SO happy lately.  What a cute little diddy. :)