Well, for the record, my no-Facebook pledge lasted maybe an hour before I got an email in my inbox and, you know, just HAD to go respond right away. Oh brother. I'll try again later when my will is more stalwart, but for now I think I've still dialed down some of the obsessiveness. Though leaving the house would surely help as well. I'm not housebound physically anymore, but since I currently work from home (freelance) and am fairly broke (um, results of the freelancing...), I don't have many reasons to leave the house during the day other than doctor's appointments and occasionally running/walking. I do still go out at night sometimes, but it's just not the same-- sunlight makes me happy! I'm just starting to feel like a vampire or something. Bleh.
My doctor's appointment on Monday went just fine. Dr. M. put me back on antibiotics, but just doxycycline and not the other two, in order to mitigate the negative tummy reactions. I'm still on probiotics and she prescribed a bunch of different supplements that I now have to go about collecting. They're all from random online companies, too... one even from an Ebay store run by another doctor. I've kind of been putting it off, but I'm totally going to get on that tomorrow. By now, I've mostly learned my lesson about putting off my health for too long just because I feel fine now. Preventative action is the name of the game, people.
In other news, I've actually been exercising lately. Strange, right? I've already got shin splints, but I'm determined to keep at it. I've been 3 separate times in the last week, which is pretty on target for me. I used to imagine the clothes I could wear if I were toned enough as an incentive to make myself work harder (yeah, I'm one of those girls sometimes. What of it?). I realize that's shallow or whatever, but if it works, it works.
It's not what I'm going on anymore though. I try to imagine myself the way I was before I got sick, one semester in particular when I really got into running at night (unsafe but exhilerating), took up yoga, played intramural softball, and started rock-climbing for fun. I felt strong. Solid. Invincible. Of course the next semester I became terribly ill, so there goes the whole invincible theory, but the point is that I've felt health and I'm trying so desperately to feel it again. This is really cheesy, but I like to listen to Fort Minor's "Remember the Name," while I run to remind myself that anything worth having is hard work-- it's not just me and how life is unfair blah blah blah ad nauseum, lol. Maybe it's silly, but the song makes me feel empowered and tends to send any leftover victim mentality issues right out the door. I'm not in control of everything, but I'm in control of some things, and it's dumb to whine about how hard they are. It doesn't make them any easier or get them done any more quickly.
Oh, one last tidbit before I go. I heard back from WFU that I actually only have one more English class to take, which means that the last class can be anything I choose. Woohoo! I think I'm going to take a journalism class by this awesome professor who guest-taught one of my classes last semester. She talked about social media and online journalism and how exciting the changing world we live in is. I dug it. So I emailed her and she's going to make room for me in the class. Hooray! She writes books about living simply, and her blog is here if you're curious.
Gah. I think I seriously need to go on a Facebook fast. That's actually WHY I'm posting tonight, just to warn you all. I've been in this crazy reconnect mode, which is good, but it's causing me to get semi-obsessive about Facebook, which isn't normal. I've been doing all this reading about dating in the digital age recently because it's just such a weird phenomenon, this brave new world of technology and how it's changing the most fundamental ways we relate to people. I bring it up because it occurred to me tonight that if I feel the need to connect with someone, I log on Facebook. Or I send an email, or I get on Twitter and just send out the equivalent of a mass text. You know what I don't do? PICK UP MY TELEPHONE AND ACTUALLY CALL SOMEONE WITH IT.
I mean, maybe I'll send a text message. Maybe. But a phone call, in this day and age, feels so... invasive. Isn't that weird? With a few mouse clicks I can see someone's online social history for the last year. If I want, I can read what my friends are saying to each other, and I can see all the events I'm missing. And yet straightforwardly calling someone and actually asking for their precious, non-digital time feels really presumptuous. Even with people I know really well! Seriously, kids, is it just me?
Anyway, I haven't really figured out this whole Facebook dilemma and, frankly, I should probably be putting all that cognitive energy into something revenue-producing, like my freelance work, or into that novel I like to pretend I'm writing. But instead I'm now making massive lists of new blog names, with my cousin's help, and trying to figure out how to take all of these driving-me-crazy thoughts and siphon them off into a place where I can get some feedback. So I'm going to take a massive chill pill and take the next, let's say, three whole days away from Facebook. And maybe I'll go get my damn cell phone fixed too so I can stop checking my text messages (it no longer makes a noise or anything when I get one, and I've missed a lot, so now I'm all paranoid).
In other, slightly more relevant news, I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Some of you have been sweet enough to ask me how my treatment's going, and hopefully I'll have some more answers as of tomorrow. I'm feeling great, to be honest, but just 2 weeks ago I got pitifully sick (back to the bed-ridden, writhing pain kind of thing) and had to take a break from the antibiotics. So I'm probably going to have to start taking those again, provided the Lyme didn't just decide to up and leave. Which would also be just fine by me. I need to stop being such a priss about some of the medical tests too. When I was miserable, I did ANYTHING they asked me to (weird science, anyone?). Now that I'm feeling better, I have more things on my to-do list than just my medical care (yay!) and sometimes when they want me to do some complicated test... I dunno I just put it off. Not responsible in the least, I know, but it's what I've been doing and I need to redouble my efforts. On a positive note, however, I've started exercising again, so that's good. I overdid it a little last week, but I went for a nice long run today and actually feel relaxed now instead of sore. Amazing. Borderline miraculous, to tell you the truth.
Oh, and there's this:
That's all I got for today. I answered everyone's comments in a massive comment on my last post, so if you're one of the sweet people who offered your kickass support, please check out my comment back! You've all been so unbelievably awesome on this journey. It's such a weird thing to have to explain-- you kind of have to experience it. And I appreciate so much that you take the time to share and commiserate and cheerlead and all the other awesome ways you guys have reached out to me. So thank you for sticking by me, even when good health calls me back to the land of the living and I miss the whole month of June. Oops. Please pray that I'm not jinxing myself and that I continue to get better! I know it's not all of your belief system, and that's cool, but I do pray for a lot of you and really care that your daily and long-term needs get met and that you find peace and happiness and, hopefully, healing.
My new favorite humor/life blogger, Lilu, started this blog trend called "TMI Thursdays." Now, to preface this post, this is not your average TMI Thursday post. So, Lilu, I adore you and read these posts voraciously, but you should probably not share this one with your readers, seeing as illness tends to make people way more uncomfortable than lewdness, drunkness, and STDs... put together.
Sad, but true?
Anyway, in mild concurrence with the spirit of the event, I must confide that I am slightly drunk. Yup. Had multiple glasses of a really classy wine with the moniker, "Cat Pee." I'm a *classy* gal, yessiree.
I do not drink that often since it sometimes interferes with my many, many meds. You guys probably understand this.
But, you (hopefully!) also may have read my post where I shared, among other things, my undying love for anything Italian. This love DEFINITELY extends to wine. And pasta. And really good pizza that you can only find in Italy. And clothes. Oh, and did I mention, WINE AND PASTA.
(Sigh).
Thanks for the many congratulations on my recent Lyme diagnosis. I too am thrilled to have an answer (though, as we know, in medical things, it may not be the only answer) and a clear (well, sort of) treatment path. But, here's the kicker:
Once again, there is no quick fix, no magic pill, no easy out. The goal here is to put the Lyme into remission, not cure it completely (since that's not possible). That means that many of the changes I have to make (on top of the MANY changes I've already made) have to be permanent. This isn't a "I'll do this to get better, then go back to my normal life" type of treatment.
Anyway, Lyme bacteria feed on sugars and carbs, much like myself. In order to get rid of these Lymie nuisances, I have to eliminate sugar and carbs from my diet. That means no pasta, no bread, no coffee (except decaf, sugar-free), no soda (same as coffee), no ORANGE JUICE (which I drink every morning) or fruit juice or sugary fruits of any kind, no cereal, and, most devastatingly, NO WINE WHATSOEVER.
*Sobs softly.*
The addition of antibiotics makes this new diet even MORE important since the antibiotics will target all bacteria, good AND bad, and I want to give the good kind more of a fighting chance than the bad, Lymey kind. Also, long-term antibiotics can lead to really gross side effects like thrush, where bad bacteria grow all up in your mouth and turn your tongue beige, then they go into your digestive track and cause all kinds of nasty business. Not cute.
(Oh yeah, that bacteria grossness? That's just the beginning of my TMI Thursday).
In addition to this grossness, I also have something called Babesia, a co-infection for Lyme disease. It's a parasite, ya'll. How gross is that? It's born in the tick, moves through the deer, my cat, and finally onto me, where it gestates and breeds and junk. SICK. So I'm going on treatment for that as well, and my new diet will help there as well.
Some of you that have chronic illnesses that severely limit your diets will probably think I'm being a big baby, and I totally am. But I've given up my lifestyle and my independence already. I've been lucky enough to not have to diet for weight reasons, and when I've eaten healthier the last couple years, it's definitely been fruit-intensive (now off-limits).
So I'm whiny. A bit whiny. But I'm going to try to make this my last whiny post. I'm already looking up great recipes on Lymenaide; I'm remembering my love for Lyme-ok'd foods like goat cheese, avocado, and tofu; and I'm currently having my last big hoo-rah. Yeah, you heard me right. I'm hoo-rah-ing. I don't start antibiotics til tomorrow, so today I had a sub, pasta, and a ton of wine. I also had a Starbucks latte and a regular cherry coke. Basically, I ate terribly today, because baby, this is my Fat Tuesday, and my Lent's going to last a long frikkin' time.
I'm still so grateful for my diagnosis. I'm 100% willing and ready to go every mile I can. Nothing is equal in worth to gaining back my life and my freedom.
But...
Gah, this wine is GOOD.
Lots of drunk-punch-love to you all, Robyn
**What about your illness grosses you out the most? Feel free to share... we know how it is. :-/
