Monday, August 16, 2010

Stop the world, I want to get off!

"The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies, set to scenes from Across the Universe

My best friend pointed out in an email today that I've not been posting much.  While I think she was probably referring to my other blog, I just don't have the patience for a fashion post today.  In fact, I don't have the patience for much of anything lately, and that's kind of exactly the problem.  My health problems, today at least, are of my own creation.  My back and hips are killing me and I'm exhausted and a little nauseated.  I have unidentified bruises and unfortunately identified scrapes, all because I let my drinking take on a "no brain cell left behind" kind of fervor this past Saturday.  For the record, it was fun, and I'm not getting on anyone's back for the same behavior.  Sometimes it's totally okay and even downright HEALTHY to let loose and just have a good time, but my knowledge of myself and all of the tiny but telling things I've been doing to myself the past couple of weeks let me know that something's not quite right.  I'm off my diet, I'm unfocused, I'm completely aimless.  The only productive activity I've been keeping up with really is running, and that's more because, emotionally, it satisfies my need to escape from myself right now.

THE PENDULUM EFFECT.  Except this is just a picture of a pendulum.
But you get where I was going with this, right?

My best friend also pointed out that I may just be suffering from the pendulum effect.  I was stuck inside my house for so long, almost two years really.  I wasn't even able to go to my lame ass five-year reunion, which would have been fine if it were for the same reasons most of my friends skipped it-- they have a life, they're out of town, did I mention it was kind of lame?  But what BUGGED me about it was that the reason I missed it was because I was sick.  I was less than a mile away from the damn thing, under my covers, praying for my pain medication to kick in and let me sleep.

So her point was that now that I'm feeling better, it's completely natural to kick out in the opposite direction and try to do everything at once.  I'm applying for jobs, applying for a loan, trying to be at every party and reconnect with every person that I lost during my two-to-three-year absence from life.  And I'm being self-destructive while I'm at it.  I'm running around like the proverbial headless chicken, and I think the reason I'm doing it is because I'm so fantastically afraid that any minute, my time will be up, and I'll be sick again.  And I'll have to wait another two-to-three years to be fun again.  To be 24 again.  Or 21 again.  Or, what would it be then, 27 again?  The irony of the situation, of course, is that my current bedridden-ness-- the reason I slept til 2 and have spent my day wearing a path between the couch and the sofa-- is solely because of this kind of unhealthy behavior.  Because I've been super responsible at times to no end at all, and so now I'm testing to see exactly how irresponsible I can be before my body completely gives up on me.  And it's not healthy.  And frankly, it's starting to screw with my head in a big way.

So, readers, please meet me where I am today.  How do you move forward in a life where nothing is certain?  How do you move beyond punishing your body for being such a douchelord for so long?  Oh, and while I'm at it, how do you write a blog post where you don't use words like douchelord because your mom reads this blog?  HI MOM.

Seriously, I've got to know.  How do you get over the "tragedy" of your lost youth and just move forward with LIFE before that is lost too?


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