"The World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies, set to scenes from Across the Universe
My best friend pointed out in an email today that I've not been posting much. While I think she was probably referring to my other blog, I just don't have the patience for a fashion post today. In fact, I don't have the patience for much of anything lately, and that's kind of exactly the problem. My health problems, today at least, are of my own creation. My back and hips are killing me and I'm exhausted and a little nauseated. I have unidentified bruises and unfortunately identified scrapes, all because I let my drinking take on a "no brain cell left behind" kind of fervor this past Saturday. For the record, it was fun, and I'm not getting on anyone's back for the same behavior. Sometimes it's totally okay and even downright HEALTHY to let loose and just have a good time, but my knowledge of myself and all of the tiny but telling things I've been doing to myself the past couple of weeks let me know that something's not quite right. I'm off my diet, I'm unfocused, I'm completely aimless. The only productive activity I've been keeping up with really is running, and that's more because, emotionally, it satisfies my need to escape from myself right now.
 |
| THE PENDULUM EFFECT. Except this is just a picture of a pendulum. But you get where I was going with this, right? |
My best friend also pointed out that I may just be suffering from the pendulum effect. I was stuck inside my house for so long, almost two years really. I wasn't even able to go to my lame ass five-year reunion, which would have been fine if it were for the same reasons most of my friends skipped it-- they have a life, they're out of town, did I mention it was kind of lame? But what BUGGED me about it was that the reason I missed it was because I was sick. I was less than a mile away from the damn thing, under my covers, praying for my pain medication to kick in and let me sleep.
So her point was that now that I'm feeling better, it's completely natural to kick out in the opposite direction and try to do everything at once. I'm applying for jobs, applying for a loan, trying to be at every party and reconnect with every person that I lost during my two-to-three-year absence from life. And I'm being self-destructive while I'm at it. I'm running around like the proverbial headless chicken, and I think the reason I'm doing it is because I'm so fantastically afraid that any minute, my time will be up, and I'll be sick again. And I'll have to wait another two-to-three years to be fun again. To be 24 again. Or 21 again. Or, what would it be then, 27 again? The irony of the situation, of course, is that my current bedridden-ness-- the reason I slept til 2 and have spent my day wearing a path between the couch and the sofa-- is solely because of this kind of unhealthy behavior. Because I've been super responsible at times to no end at all, and so now I'm testing to see exactly how irresponsible I can be before my body completely gives up on me. And it's not healthy. And frankly, it's starting to screw with my head in a big way.
So, readers, please meet me where I am today. How do you move forward in a life where nothing is certain? How do you move beyond punishing your body for being such a douchelord for so long? Oh, and while I'm at it, how do you write a blog post where you don't use words like douchelord because your mom reads this blog? HI MOM.
Seriously, I've got to know. How do you get over the "tragedy" of your lost youth and just move forward with LIFE before that is lost too?
I know that cycle far, far too well. Honestly, it took me repeated cycles before I could recognise what I was doing and reign it back. I still have trouble finding balance (I overexerted myself with exercise and am now in physical therapy- fun!). Now, my cycle is months rather than years, but the premise is the same.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. YOU'RE DOING OKAY. This is a completely natural response so don't beat yourself up too much about it. Now that you see what's going on, it's time to start finding some balance. I'm just a tad OCD, so I find making lists helps me figure out where I'm imbalanced. I have one page with two lists- one list of fun things I want to do, and one list of things I need to/should do. I need to cross something off the 'should do' list before I get to do a fun one. Want to go to a movie? Need to get the laundry done first. No saving up, no trades, and "need" always comes first.
This has been a huge help to me. It keeps me from spending all my energy in one place. If I run out of steam, at least I know that I got something important done. It also keeps me from doing housework all day and then being too beat to do anything nice/fun for myself. Not sure if it will work for you, but I recommend making up the lists anyway- if nothing else it gives you a snapshot of your priorities.
Oh, and I am completely stealing "douchelord". Just sayin'. *hugs*
Everything is one day and one moment at a time. Do what you are able, and let yourself stop and rest when you need. There are no right or wrong answers.
ReplyDeleteThere is no way to regain the past, but you do have today, you do have now. This moment. I so understand going crazy when you can finally do something.
I have learned the hard way to pace myself, to learn my limits and focus on the most important and forget the rest. Doing things when I can that make life worth living and having a list of things to look forward to is what keeps me going.
Your doing great, I know you'll figure out the right rhythm for your life. It is not easy, but it is worth it.
I think for me it was the ability to forgive myself. There is no right or wrong way to this journey we are on, thus, we do our best and if we find it doesn't work, we adapt and change.
ReplyDeleteThis journey is hard enough without beating ourselves up for past mistakes. All we have is today. So I focus on doing what I can to the best of my ability, and forget yesterday and try (I am saying try :-)) not to worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will work itself out in the end.
Hang in there. You'll figure it out. I promise! :-)
hello Robyn,
ReplyDeleteWe can never turn back the hands of time be it our lost youth or middle age,things are what they are now. Live for the moment it's all we have the future will sort itself out someday,enjoy the good days and hang on to the memories until the next one arrives.I can empathise with your situation totally. I find sharing my experiences with others helps me feel less isolated and gives me something positive to focus on. To this end, with my family's assistance, we have started our own site. If you visit on the attatched link http://dld.bz/mBZq and like what we are trying to achieve, you might consider exchanging your HTML banner code or your URL so we can advertise on each others sites and hopefully spread the word to a greater audience.
Julie x
Ok, so... you posted your blog on dailymile, so here I am. Robyn, are we the same person? Holy crap. I hope you are feeling better these days, and enjoying outsourcing some of your responsibilities... like your resume ;-P
ReplyDeletebut I think it's just to sit back and take a minute to think about what's going on right now that you are excited about. It's hard to be really excited about everything, so let the things that don't really excite you pass by. And do the things that do! I promise, it will be way more fulfilling than running yourself and your body ragged, and way more fulfilling than being at home feeling lame and sick. Get out there chica, but keep some time for yourself to decompress too. That can be exciting!!
It has taken me to today to be able to comment on this. You've written exactly how I feel! I am in tears. No matter how hard I try to sgtay positive, it's hard to look at my friends living their lives while I'm stuck on pause. I got ill in my 21st year, and I want those years back. I want to dance until 2 in the morning, and live life without thinking what will happen tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteIt seems we're in this together!!