Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Death warmed over.

Yup, that's pretty much how I feel too, kitty cats.

No class for this one tonight, just lots of rest... as in slept til 3, slugged around the house til dinnertime, then took a post-dinner nap, and is now about to go back to sleep again.


I'm having trouble getting a deep breath lately, and I'm tempted to pop open the rescue inhaler I have from the allergist, but I just can't fathom starting yet another medication.  I'm out of depression meds, so a trip to the pharmacy tomorrow is crucial to avoid yet more crying at episodes of "How I Met Your Mother." (I don't know, it happens... shutupleavemealone).  I feel like I have the flu, but no temperature means that I just have the ol' chronic fatigue/Lyme disease crash happening, so that's fun.  Blurgh again.

I'm a week late on a paper for one of my classes, which is why I even went to school last night feeling so bad.  I had sent an email, but he hadn't read it because public school professors don't give a crap the way private school ones do, so in some ways, I actually missed Wake last night.  I tried to explain to him my condition... I have CFS and Lyme disease and depression and sometimes I crash and I'm in the middle of a big ol' nasty crash.  I told him how I'd barely gotten out of bed and how I'd been sleeping 12 hours.  His answer, unsurprisingly, was basically "tough noogies." 

He reminded me that other kids in the class had problems I didn't know about, as if I didn't realize other people have problems, thanks, and he pointed out that if I were late turning in something for a job, I would be fired.  I pointed out that I wouldn't be able to hold down a job right now anyway, which is why I'm only taking two classes and living at home for goodness' sake.  He suggested I quit school, which is also nothing new, and I politely replied that that was not really an option and informed him I had already been out of school for a year.  I forgot to mention that I'm 23 damn years old and I would like to be finished with school, please, so that maybe once I'm better I can embark on my adult life.  I then held back my tears until I got into the school bathroom, where I started a cry-laugh crazy person combo that lasted me most of the hour-long drive home.

Anyway, we finally came to the agreement that I would turn in the paper tomorrow (Wednesday), he would give me some points, and I would not be late again.  While his complete lack of sympathy was disappointing (but, I mention again, decisively unsurprising), the truth is that all I need is a C in this class because the grade doesn't transfer to my Wake GPA anyway.  Also, while most well people might not understand this, I'm giving myself points for showing up at all.  It took all my deep breathing techniques to keep my anxiety at bay, and my old self absolutely would have just avoided this problem as long as possible, making it worse and worse.  So even though I've messed up, again, I'm proud of myself for taking my big-girl pill and just facing the world head-on, even if it doesn't understand anything I'm going through.

And now I'm crying again.  Damn you, depression, for turning me into a loser who cries. Now I'm laughing AND crying.  Shit, I'm a real crazy face.

(Sorry for all the cursing, interwebs.)


  1. Sorry your day was so sucky and your professor was a *&$##*.
    Have you tried talking to your school's disability or educational services department (if they have one)? I don't mean to butt in, but mine is totally helping me pass--any time a professor gives me a hard time, the disabilities office has my back.But this seems to be the exception rather than the rule for universities and accommodations.

  2. arrrggg ^%$#(&(*&?!)(&^@*#!@ jerk of a professor! don't let the man get you down birdy!

  3. Hang in there, Robyn. I like Assiya's idea if you haven't done that already. That professor of yours sounds like an a--!!!

  4. I agree with Assiya, go see if there is help that you are entitled to. Sure, other students have problems but you have a chronic condition that puts you at a disadvantage to other people which is so unfair.

    At my uni, there's something called 'Inclusion Services' where they have help for disabled students. I know it's different over here in the UK, but fingers crossed you can get some help.

    I've been there with the Pain in the Ass Professor. I tried going back to uni in 2008 (BIG mistake!) & one tutor called me lazy for not turning up to classes... I ended up crying in front of her so kudos for you fo being brave and holding it all in!

    Fingers crossed today is looking a bit better for you! x

  5. Oh, Robyn, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time! And no wonder you're in such a bad crash today - what a horrible ordeal with that #$*%! insensitive rat of a professor! What an arrogant jerk! So sorry you had to deal with that on top of everything else.

    I'm a bit crashed, too, today, and crawled back into bed mid-morning, which I rarely do.

    Hope things start to improve for you soon.


  6. I give you points for showing up at all. I know how hard it is. I remember so many similar episodes when I was 23, and 24. And well, 17, 18, 19, 20... It's funny your professor would chastise you for not considering problems other students might have, when he really has no idea the extent of yours. Good luck with the class.

  7. Don't ever apologize for the cursing.


  8. OMG I want to punch him in the face for you.
    I'm so sorry sweetie, I have been through this situation too many times and the tears were uncontrollable.

    I agree with Assiya, but it's a hard thing to accomplish when you feel that beat up too.

    If you ever want to talk, I'm always here for you ok?


  9. Ditto what others have said about reporting him to whomever you should report him to. A tenured prof isn't going to get fired over this sort of thing, but the right people might annoy him enough that he won't treat you or any other sick/disabled people like that again.

  10. Aw, hope you're feeling better re: Lyme disease. That prof is a jerk. Love the cats.

  11. Hey, so I comment on your other blog and had no idea you had this one as well! This post is SO freaky, I have MS and have just started treatment a week ago so pretty sick from it and have been watching non stop episodes of how I met your mother as well!!

    I told you right.... freak-y.

  12. Прикольный кот!!!

  13. I translated the above comment, and it's Russian for "cool cat." Thanks, Anastasia, I'll let him know he has fans from Belarus. He's such a diva, so he'll love that. ;-)

  14. I also recommend talking to disability services, but having also experienced the differences btw public and private schooling, it's unlikely that they'll do anything for you when it comes to papers (private gave me a carte blanche for attendance, papers, etc, public only offered extended test time and physical accommodations for students). Still, it couldn't hurt to see what they can do for you. Student psychological services can also sometimes advocate for you with profs, and usually an assessment or the first few sessions are free. It is very difficult being a young student with chronic illness. People don't expect you to be sick, and often feel overwhelmed when it's an ongoing issue. I always give myself credit for showing up to class, even if I'm late (which is nearly inevitable). It's hard, though, when profs confront me about it and I either have to reveal that it took a long time to summon the energy to get out of bed/off the couch, get dressed and get out the door or make up some other excuse. The former does not go over well, as it turns out, in classes that meet at noon or later (even though it's been true for me as late as 7pm). It was a huge step to show up to class--it's very easy if you're behind and feel bad (which often go hand in hand) to avoid the situation. Hope things are better now!

  15. OMG. the magical all-knowing google found me your blog on random search terms - after which i noticed that you are linked on other people's blogs like Annie's. this post spoke to me like crazy - i actually started my blog because i needed a place to tell people about how frustrating it can be to be dealing with chronic illness while in school (http://gradstudentwithlupus.blogspot.com).

    It is SO frustrating when professors act like what you're going through is some little problem that you're being a big baby about. i absolutely hate that. the worst is the quit school comment - i mean, im 23 years old. obviously if i wanted to quit school im not such a child as to not be able to to figure out it out. if i'm working to get my butt to school (and i think you definitely get points for just showing up, i give myself points for that too!) then i'm doing it because i'm committed to do it (DESPITE the illness i'm fighting, jerkface! heh).

    anyway. thanks for sharing this. i totally said 'omg. this is exactly what i deal with all the time!' out loud. in the library. :P



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